Most people would agree you generally can’t help who you fall in love with. But in some circumstances, you might wish that weren’t the case.
Maybe you love someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you.
“The longing that accompanies one-sided love can affect emotional well-being and cause a lot of discomfort,” explains Kim Egel, a marriage and family therapist in San Diego.
Regardless of the situation, love is a complicated emotion. And even when it’s clear that a relationship isn’t doing you any favors, it can feel impossible to simply turn off your feelings.
These tips can help you start the process of moving forward.
1. Acknowledge the truth of the situation
Optimism isn’t a bad trait. In fact, the ability to hold on to hope in difficult or painful situations is typically considered a sign of personal strength.
But when it comes to struggling relationships, it’s more helpful to consider the present reality than the future you imagine.
The person you love may not feel the same way. Or maybe you feel wildly in love during intimate moments but spend the rest of your time together disagreeing over just about everything.
If you believe giving up on your relationship or love for someone means you’ve failed, think again. It takes courage and self-awareness to recognize this. You’ve taken a positive step toward self-growth.
2. Identify relationship needs---and deal breakers
Taking a careful look at what you want from a relationship, as well as what you absolutely don’t want, can help you pinpoint the ways a love interest may not be the best match.
Say you and your FWB have a great thing going. The more time you spend together, the more connected you feel. Eventually, you realize you’ve fallen in love with them.
But there’s one big issue: Days, sometimes a week or more, often pass without you hearing from them. You send them Facebook messages and notice they’ve been online, but there’s still no reply.
If you prioritize good communication in relationships, their inability to get back to you in a timely manner is a pretty good indicator that they’re not a good match.
When you recognize the ways someone you love doesn’t quite meet your needs, you might have an easier time getting over your feelings.
3.Accept what the love meant to you
“Some loves might always scratch at your heart,” Egel says. “Some relationships, especially those that were an integral part of growth at pivotal times in our lives, thread through the inner makings of who we become.”
Letting go of a meaningful love can make you feel like you’re also letting go of everything it once was. But try to take the opportunity to acknowledge the good things about the relationship, including anything you might have learned from it. Validate those feelings. Give them space in your heart.
Denying your emotions or their significance can hold you back. Honoring your experience and letting those intense feelings become part of your past can help you begin to find peace and move forward.
What’s more, acknowledging the past importance of your love can help you see how it’s no longer serving you.
one who doesn’t return your feelings can limit you. If you stay stuck on someone you can’t have a relationship with, you’ll likely have a hard time finding happiness with anyone else.
Even if you don’t feel ready for anything serious, casual dating can help you realize there are plenty of great people out there.
Once you do want to date more seriously, finding the right partner might still prove challenging. It often takes some time. Dating frustrations can make it especially tempting to dwell on the person you already love.
But commit to looking forward, not back into your past, even if it’s difficult at first.
If no one feels quite right, you may still need time to work through your lingering attachment. It’s perfectly fine to enjoy casual relationships while doing this work. But handle these situations with integrity: Be open and honest about what you’re looking for and what you’re currently able to give.
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