From Surviving to Thriving: Helping Kids Refill Their Joy Tanks After Major Change

Over the last 2 years, parents have had an enormously difficult task.

They’ve had to learn how to protect their families from a new threat, navigate major shifts in the way they live, improvise in the face of unpredictable changes, and all the while continue parenting.

They’ve had to empathize with their children’s difficult feelings and help them come to terms with isolation and disruption.

They’ve had to play the role of educator, playmate, therapist, and provider whenever called upon, often with little support.

It’s been over 2 years since the first lockdowns began in the United States. Some families are starting to feel ready to move forward, but they’re returning to a different world than before.

The mental health crisis among the nation’s children dates back to well before the pandemic, but the last 2 years have intensified the situation.

“COVID has been an amplifier,” says Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD, a clinical psychologist, expert on child development, and creator of the “Open Door for Parents” video series.

“If someone had a tendency to feel anxious, they became a lot more anxious. If they were down, they’re more down. Overall, kids are less able to resolve normal conflicts. They’re more teary. They’re hurting.”

While measures taken during the pandemic were necessary for public health, it’s also necessary to find sure footing again, the kind that comes from having purpose, connections, and sources of joy.

Every parent wants their child to have the same opportunities for success and happiness they had before the pandemic, despite the changes we’ve all faced.

The Positive of difficult Times

It’s not an easy thing to shift from a mindset of safety and survival back to a mindset of living and thriving.

Still, it’s possible. These challenges may even give way to a generation of resilient kids who are stronger, happier, and healthier because of how they’ve learned to cope with difficulty.

“The most common outcome of trauma is not post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It’s growth,” says William Stixrud, PhD, a professor of psychiatry and pediatrics and author of “The Self-Driven Child.”

“It’s very possible that we’re going to see a generation of kids who went through a very tough time, a very scary time, a very isolating time, and yet grew stronger from it.”

To get there, it’s essential that children feel heard.

They need to know their feelings are natural and human and to re-establish a feeling of safety and peace. They also need help to rediscover their individual pathways to happiness.

In short, they need support to relearn how to fill their joy tanks.

The good news is there’s a lot that parents can do.

From conversations about how to find happiness to actively planning opportunities for shared joy, parents can help kids regain their sense of delight, wonder, and optimism following a period of profound loss and disruption.

Start When You're(all) Ready

When you and your family feel ready to embark on the journey of rediscovering joy, there are steps you can take to get there.

Focusing on joy and happiness doesn’t mean we have to minimize the past.

It’s also important that negative feelings are heard, validated, and processed. Rushing ahead to fun in the midst of unresolved issues won’t make them go away. It can actually lead to repressed emotions.

It’s important that you take the time to determine whether you and your family are ready to move forward. There’s no need to force the process.

Still, the challenges we’ve all faced recently don’t have to define this generation.

“I don’t want to feel sorry for a kid, because I don’t want a kid to feel sorry for themselves,” says Stixrud. “Self-pity has never, ever helped a kid. Instead, I say that I understand that something is painful, but I don’t feel sorry for you. This is part of your life, part of the path you have to go through and that’s OK.”

Reframing in this way validates the experience while letting kids know they can move beyond it.

Understand Your Children's Sources of Joy

Before parents can help their children find joy, it’s important to first define it. One thing that experts agree on is that joy can be different for each individual child.

Joy and happiness can be found through snuggling or through playing outside. Some children may be happier playing with a friend, while some teenagers may prefer solitude.

Joy can be found in active ways or passive ways, loud or quiet, in a group or in isolation. The important thing is that you’re attuned to what makes your kid happy and what they may need in any given moment.

“You have to define what joy means for a particular person,” says Mona Delahooke, PhD, a clinical psychologist and expert on childhood behavior.

“You might have quiet joy like reading a book and feeling cozy,” she says. “In some families, you may have children feeling joy when they’re doing rough-house play with their parents or running around.”

Kennedy-Moore agrees and adds that joy can even differ from one country or culture to another.

“There are lots of different kinds of happiness,” says Kennedy-Moore. “Other cultures outside America value quiet contentment more than Americans do, for example. But I’m not going to pass judgment — they’re all good.”

Start a Conversation

To understand what makes your kids happy, the best thing parents can do is talk with them about it.

It might seem like a simple answer, but Stixrud points out that conversations about what makes a child happy can be rare in many households.

When they don’t happen, kids will fill the void by associating happiness with other values that parents tend to emphasize, like success or achievement.

An over-emphasis on success can lead to endless striving. That may be good for entrepreneurship, but it’s not always conducive to peace and contentment.